Fear of Abandonment:
You Are Bigger Than Triggers

Fear of abandonment feelings are merely triggers that can usually be traced to early issues with bonding and/or traumatic relationships. Sometimes it is more subtle, such as parents who were emotionally unavailable.

Your fear is evidence that there are unresolved feelings and traumas (or resonances) that are buried in the past.


  • Your yearning for safety, closeness, and happiness in relationships is PROOF that you are fundamentally healthy
  • You may be THE healthiest one in an unhealthy family system
  • Your fear and pain may be what leads you to find inner strength, well-being and wholeness
  • Your yearning for healthy relationships may be the most important thing in this world!


Fear of abandonment is powerlessness.

At its core, fear of abandonment is powerlessness. All fears come down to a lack of power. So it follows that empowerment is needed.

When you accept, understand, and learn from your fear you become empowered and it begins to disappear.

Calling fear of abandonment a personality disorder is disempowering and makes things worse.

"I'm feeling fear of abandonment and that proves something is wrong with me. Now I am terrified"

Crazy Looking Doctor for Fear of Abandonment

Implying that fear of abandonment is ITSELF the problem (is a disorder or illness) intensifies fear. There are GOOD REASONS for your feelings. You "learned" from past experiences. Learning from experience is not a disorder! You can unlearn and relearn. We ALL can!

Its hard to unlearn and relearn when what you are learning about makes you afraid you have a disorder.

Different degrees of abandonment happen all the time and feel terrible. Who WOULDN’T be afraid of feeling terrible? Realize that you simply haven't learned how to deal with it...YET. It really IS that simple!

How you see yourself is HUGELY important. Choose one:

  1. I am damaged, broken, weak, fearful, disordered, and powerless.
  2. I am strengthened by my experiences. I feel my pain, learn about my needs, and take positive action toward my greater good.

Life has a way of showing you what you choose. You are the only one who chooses for you. Keep choosing, always keep choosing.

The reason you have fear is because your brain registered an experience that felt like abandonment. In the present time, it gets triggered anytime it's reminded of possible abandonment (which means it gets triggered by relationships.)

Not good! But your brain is NOT ill, it is just doing its thing (protecting you) and getting a bit too carried away with it.

Seeing it as an opportunity for learning makes it all easier and it IS the real truth. Your fear is merely proof that you have a traumatic experience that is unresolved. You can learn to relax, resolve it and relearn (and you are obviously a good learner, thanks to your brain!)

  • Learning only happens when you are relaxed and confident.
  • When you value yourself and your feelings.
  • When you see how difficulties make you stronger and wiser.
  • When what you want gets more of your focus than sensations of fear get.

Who you are

is BIGGER than triggers!


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By Laura Frisbie, M.Ed.